We Are Young, We Run Free

I only really feel emotions when I’m really really tired or on some kind of drug. The rest of the time I’m kind of numb and immune to any real feeling other than indifference or apathy. I’ve trained myself to do this from a relatively young age. When I was younger I used to cry all the time about nothing and so my parents said that they would give me a dollar for every week I went without crying. I went six days and then I had a fight with my sister and cried and I didn’t get the dollar. I’ve never really cried properly since that I can remember. Apart from a few exceptions and when watching movies. I always cry in movies. I did a similar thing when I was fourteen just to see how long I could go without crying. I lasted until the start of this year. Now when I do feel emotions it feels stronger than I think it should, like getting drunk after a prolonged spell of sobriety. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t understand how people can live if they have so many emotions interfering with their judgement all the time. I’ve transitioned from apathetic to pathetic and I can’t decide which is worse.